Dog Lady
A dog comes up to me while I'm walking in the street, and he decides my leg looks enough like a fire hydrant to be used as one, and he piss on my leg, and wets it all, and therefore I lift the dog and takes it home and have it for dinner.
But then the dog's owner knocks on the door, and it's an old woman, my neighbour in fact, and she's asking for her dog, and I tell her I don't know, and then I burp, but she can't smell I just ate her dog, and that - is fortunate.
The old dog lady is dangerous, you see, and therefore I am careful with what I say - you've got watch your tongue around this old lady. She comes into the flat and looks and around and sniffs and barks for her dog, but there is no answer - naturally. I smile a superficial "I'm-sorry-but-I-haven't-seen-your-bloody-dog"-smile at her.
The dog lady looks sad, and I try to tell her it's allright, she can cry, it's going to be fine, the dog's probably just run off somewhere, it'll be back soon. Little she knows, of course, that it did indeed run off somewhere, but it won't be coming back - 'cause I ate it.
She barks in sorrow, and tears flow down her cheeks, and I can hardly keep myself from laughing, because it's all so hilarious, I find it all funny, but that's just me, perhaps she won't think so - probably not. After all, it was her dog, and she probably loved it, but she should have trained it better, and not let it walk around pissing on peoples legs like that - I mean, really! She sobs softly as she walks out the door and into her own flat, and I close my door, then I chuckle to myself.
I walk into my kitchen, and open the Secret Cupboard, and gets out the last delicious bone, and chew on it. I must say, the left back leg taste better than the rest.
But I'm not heartless, because after the meal, in the middle of the night, I walk out in my neighbour's garden, the old dog lady's garden, and bury the remains of the dog for her. I think that will help her get over the loss, even if she doesn't know.
Then I go to bed and fall asleep.
And it was such a cute dog, too.