Alien Anuses

A man, whose name was Nagrom, was one day paid a visit by a UFO. This shattered his belief that he was a completely sane and quite normal guy.

He eyed the UFO from the kitchen window, hiding behind the curtain. The thing was parked in the middle of his garden. It was quite big, but not very big. Just big enough to house a few aliens, that's all. It wasn't round at all, but this went unnoticed by Nagrom as his eyes were glued to the hatch that was opening in the belly of the UFO.

Down the hatch came a lone alien. It was a strange creature: It had no anus.

The alien stopped just outside the entrance door and pushed the doorbell. Nagrom hesitated. The doorbell rang again. Then the alien said in a low voice that was impossibly clear and understandable, "Come, I must talk to you."

He thought about pretending not to be home. "I'm not home!"

"Ah, my inter-galactic friend," said the alien. "I know you are there. Come now."

Slowly he walkd to the door and opened it. The alien was standing in front of him, silent for a moment. Nagrom tried to think of something to say, and eventually found something.

"Well hello there," he said, "What's your name?"

"My name is-" said the alien and added a sequence of strange sounds.

"Hi there, Mr -" he said and added a sequence of strange sounds that in no way sounded like the name of the alien.

The alien shifted, apparently not quite comfortable with the meaning of what Nagrom had just said. "Just call me X, ok?"

"X?"

"Or Y."

"Oh."

"Or A, standing -"

"Ah, I see," interrupted Nagrom, "A for anus."

"- for alien," finished the alien and looked at him. Nagrom managed the supreme and convincing task of looking not even remotely embarassed.

"I don't have an anus," said the alien.

"What?"

"I don't -"

"I heard you. Sorry, it's just.. kind of unusual, you see. Everybody has an anus around here, and they tend to make annoying noises at the most awkward of times."

"Well, I don't."

"Oh. Well.. how do you.. er.. how.. you know.." his voice trailed off.

"No? What?"

"Well.. how do you.. you know.. shit.. and stuff.."

"Shit stuff?"

"Uhm.. yeah.. like.. er.. getting rid of.."

"Oh, I see," said the alien. "Bodily waste is disposed of appropriately."

"'Appropriately' meaining exactly.. what..?" Nagrom faltered under the glare of the alien. It seemed to be looking - not at him, or through him, but - into him.

"Meaning in a discrete way," said the alien and spat him in the face. Nagrom jumped back in surprise and disgust and started to wipe it off with his hand.

"Wanna come?" said the alien and pointed towards the UFO.

"No, thanks, got something to do."

"Oh. Too bad. Would've been fun, y'know. Well, bye, nice to meet you."

"Nice to meet you too. Have a nice day."

Nagrom shut the door, went into the living room, seated himself in the sofa and watched some TV.