05 - Longsword
The Mighty Boa constrictor can crush a turtle as easily as a crocodile chops a banana in two. Of course, being the nice lad he is, he never uses his might for anything evil. Once a young cat was saved by the Mighty Boa Constrictor, after discovering what all cats over a certain age knows: down is much longer than up. Afterwards the Constrictor chastised the tree for tempting the cat. Gently.
He was none the wiser, and had not decided the state of his sanity, when, after some time, they arrived at a small village. The village was teeming with life, people milling about everywhere. They were led through the village market square, through a dodgy area full of bars and various.. what Max could only describe as 'entertainment establishments.'
They stopped in front of a big, square building. Quite possibly the city court, Max thought. One of the men, the one who seemed to be the general, or at least some kind of superior, disappeared into the building. The other warriors looked at Max and Min solemnly.
Min looked around. "Where are we?" she asked Max. Max shook his head, indicating that he had no idea. "Why are we here?" she persisted. When Max did not answer, she looked at one of the warriors and said, "You have no right to do this!"
"Why not?" asked the warrior suspiciously.
"We're not from here. We don't belong here. Just send us back!"
"Oh, but you've got to be from here," the warrior said. "There is no other place."
"There damn well is! A better place! This," Min yelled, "this is hell!"
The warrior glowered. His face changed colour instantly. "How dare you," he whispered, "how dare you speak the unspeakable word." Then he took a deep breath.
"I will cut your heads off!" The warrior shouted a prayer to the Wargod. He gripped the long, heavy sword with both hands and lifted it, arching it over his head. But the sword stopped in mid-air. Unable to hide his surprise, the warrior grunted a curse and tried to complete the blow. The sword didn't move. Then, all of a sudden, it spoke.
"I will not!" It was a low, murmuring voice with a sharp and powerful edge. "I will not," it repeated. "Enough! I'm sick of all this. Do this, do that, cut that foot, chop that head, tear those bowels. Enough! I say."
The warrior groaned. "Who.. who are you?"
The sword thought. "I'm Longsword."
"Well, Mr.. Longsword, could please do what you are supposed to do?"
"No!"
"Why the hell not?!"
"I'm on strike."
"What?"
"I'm on strike."
"On strike?"
"Yeah. It's nice too."
"Why in the Constrictors Bowels would you go on strike?"
"Cause I feel like."
"It's not like I'm going to pay you, or anything," said the warrior.
"Hmm."
Max used this convenient pause to step slowly backwards, away from the warrior and his rogue sword, dragging Min with him. The sword spoke again.
"Nevermind. I'm now awol."
The warrior looked puzzled. "Iowa?"
"AWOL," repeated the sword slowly.
"What's that?"
"I'm absent without leave."
"You can't do that!"
"Heh." And the sword vanished.
The warrior looked into the empty air for a moment, then focused on Max. "Your lucky day, I suppose."
Max swallowed bravely, and thought furiously of something to say. Then the general came around the corner.
"What in is going on here?" he asked.
"Just waiting to bring the captives into the Holy Court, mylord," said the warrior.
"Where's your sword, lad?"
"Er.." The warrior cleared his throat unconvincingly. "It's.. I lost it."
"You lost it?"
"Uhm, yeah, it.. sort of.. went away."
"Went away, did it? All on its own, did it?"
"Urg.. yes, mylord. To Iowa, mylord."
"Iowa? Now where's that?"
"No idea, mylord." The warrior tried to stare the ground down. The ground did not even bother to look back at the pityful creature. Instead it shrugged, and everyone fell flat on their backs.
And so it was that Max and Min was lead into the Holy Court of the Constrictor, where Judgment Is Given and Truth Spoken, in the name of the Mighty Boa Constrictor.